While stories of tainted foodstuffs causing isolated outbreaks of sickness have been no stranger to recent Japanese headlines, those cases only highlighted instances where raw goods–vegetables and rice in particular were to blame.

The latest in the disturbing epidemic takes us to Kanagawa prefecture where, according to reports by the local Fujisawa government managing the case, a 67 year-old woman vomited, before her tongue “went numb” after eating a Nissin brand Cup Noodle soup. The cause for her sickness after a trace back to the noodles, was a chemical called paradichlorobenzene, which is more commonly associated with its application in bug repellent. According to Japanese authorities, how the chemical in question made its way into a cup (or cups) of Japan’s most popular instant noodle, still remains under investigation.
Call off the dogs though, I think I may have the theory they’re looking for: It was already there.

Don’t believe me? Check the ingredients. Sure, they start off innocently enough:

“High protein wheat flour, palm oil, salt.”

But then watch as they start to get complicated:

“Hydrolyzed vegetable protein, dextrose, fish powder.”

And then, just downright apocalyptic:

“Permitted food conditioners (sodium carbonate, sodium polyphosphate, potassium carbonate), and flavor enhancers (monosodium glutamate, disodium inosinate, disodium guanylate).

Perhaps the bug spray had simply gone casually omitted on the ingredients list all along? I doubt it would have been missed, what, with all those upstaging glutamates and inosinates loitering about.

If I hadn’t been told prior that I was reading the back of an instant noodle cup, I’m sure I would have quickly mistaken the aforementioned for a recipe for homemade roach bombs. And the Japan Times, and the Yomiyuri Daily have the nerve to tell me that someone got sick from ingesting a chemical found in Cup Noodle? What’s next on the news? Water is found to be wet, and full of oxygen? Quite possibly the most natural ingredient in this product would be simply the “salt” that goes into it (if only a single serving of Cup Noodle didn’t already contain an entire week’s worth of recommended salt intake). So it’s nothing short of a miracle that with over 3 billion packs of conveniently “delicious” Cup Noodle eaten in Japan every year, only one person this year has succumbed to the ill effects of having ingested a mouthful of Cup Noodle’s little secret ingredient.